Alllllllllllllright

So, I hope you enjoyed a glimpse into hormonal hell that IS my PMDD, plus the addition of a broken heart, which I am NOT used to having. Even though I was the one that instigated the break up in the first place, it shattered me to think of my life without him and Ben in it. Now, I know what you're thinking:


Holy FUCK this is one crazy bitch!


And yes, you're probably right, but whatever. Not the point. 


Michael and I are............. not quite okay... but at the same time, we're not exactly NOT okay either... does that make any sense? No? Didn't think so. Hard to explain. He came over last night because he needed a place to stay, and quite frankly- because I'm so loney without him. We kinda flip-flopped between fighting and making up all night... but the vocal diarrhea of hatred has seemed to stop, so THAT'S a good sign. I also think the fact that my whole world seeming unbalanced without Him and Ben-jammin is probably a good sign too. I need my 3 boys, as much as the one can piss me off and make me want to come after him with a red-hot iron sword. (to the genitals)


To be absolutely honest here with you, I didn't even remember what I wrote last night until I read it today. THAT is how far into my hormonal downward spiral of bitch I was. Yes, it was true what I wrote, mostly. Some parts were greatly exaggerated, some were absolutely true. But- on the flip side- he could turn around and write one about me calling him an alcoholic, a liar, a dick, a prick, (pretty much any synonym for penis) a douche, worthless... all sorts of things. All I know, is when I'm mad I want whoever I'm mad at to feel just as bad as I do. I'm a low blow fighter, I'll admit it.


But I digress- got off on a tangent.


Point of this- is I love him, he loves me, and hopefully we can stop ripping at each other long enough to remember what's pulled us through the past 2 years, years that have been a constant uphill battle for the two of us, years that have probably just made us tired. Where the hell is the plateau, for christ's sake?


Today, I got a voice mail from my OBGYN. I called back to speak to my nurse practioner, didn't get her, but I got a very cheerful nurse:


Nurse: "Well, we got the results from your pap back and you do have a bacterial infection. Pretty good one too, you should really pee more!"


Me: "Okay."


Nurse: "Gonna call you in a prescription"


Me: "Alrighty"


Nurse: "Oh, and there was one more thing...."


Me: ".... and what might that be?"


Nurse: "Well, we found some low-grade cells"


Me: "What the hell are those?"


Nurse: "Just some slightly abnormal cells. You can come in next friday for a biopsy?" (With huge, cartoon smile in voice)


Me: "Uh, sure. What the hell do those do?"


Nurse: "Well it could be anything!! Infections like the one you have is probably the reason, so that would be nothing, but it could be HPV, which is normally harmless, and it could be cancer!!" 


Me: "...."


Nurse: "Buuuuuuuuuuut that's what we're gonna find out! See you Friday!! :D :D :D" 


So. There I stand. Could be nothing, could be a (from google research) totally unnoticeable, almost unpreventable (damn you, abstinence), totally asymptomatic STI, could be CANCER? That is what she leaves me with? Really? 


Another fun fact: Cervical cancer runs in our family. Oh.. the joys.


But, I'm not much of a dweller, so I'm gonna push it to the back of my mind and ignore all the (imagined?) pains in my cervix until the 29th. I'm not going to let what-ifs holyshitwhatifIhavecancer? HolyshitwhatifIcan'thaveanotherbaby? WhatthehellamIgoingtodoifthisisserious? wrack my brain. 






And on another tangent- this kind of sobering reality check really puts the whole relationship thing on another level. Who do I want next to me if it IS serious? Michael. Who do I need to lean on? Michael.


Just saying.