2am

I typed this on my phone, which pissed me off royally, and that's why it's all broken up weird. I guess I could fix it, but goddamn I'm lazy.




Okay, so. It's 2am here
In the beautiful state of Georgia and I'm sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear grasping a notebook and gold pen like my life depended on it and tear stains on my cheeks.


Background: When I was 15, I was friends with a guy named David. He was annoying, a redneck with the southernest twang I'd ever heard, and the reddest hair I'd ever seen. He smiled too much. He referred to me as "Mclafflin". He called me too many times everyday. He could piss me off faster than anyone I'd ever met. I was sure he was the man I was going to marry. As sure as a 15 year old girl in a sadistically abusive relationship could be, anyway. He called me too many times in case I'd decided to leave Corey, or I needed help in any way. He pissed me off to give me something to be mad at besides myself. David was my rock, and then he was gone. His funeral was the hardest thing I've ever sat through and the whole ceremony I was screaming inside at the stupid idea of some "god" who could take this amazing person who helped me survive my day to day life away from me. How dare someone take him? This heart of gold, this selfless, wonderful person who had so much to offer at only 18 years old. Why did I lose him instead of the junkie, sadistic, horrible, horrible "man" I was tethered to by fear? Why did evil live, while good didn't?


Now, I've never been a huge fan of religion but that just crushed it for me. I can't believe in something with those kind of backward, stupid rules about death. 


But, sitting here tonight. Unable to sleep and sobbing over the idea how how much of a mess I am at 23, I found myself talking to him like usual. Usually I'm complaining about stuff that I know he'd not give three shits about, but tonight I was asking him for help. Really? The boy's been dead 8 years and I still can't function in my own life without him? What is he going to do? Talk to "god" and get me some kind of break? Really? Buuuuuut I did it anyway, for hours. I cried, and I talked to him, and I asked him to pull some kinda afterlife strings and freaking throw something good my way. In my mess on the floor, I scribbled down some.... plans.. I guess you could call them... about DOING something. 


I need to kick my own ass out of my comfort zone. Therefore: I've decided to pull my measly $220 a month child support out of the bank every month and hide it somewhere where I won't spend it, and save it. If Michael and I get married- great, I'll spend it on that. ... If we're STILL not married by January, I'm uprooting  myself and my 3 year old to a new state. I'm literally going to close my eyes, swirl a map of the US around, and pick something. I'm so STUCK here. I'm comfortable. I think I've worn out my own welcome. I should finish school next month, and fingers crossed I can land a better job than the 7th circle of hell I'm at now. 


Speaking of that- I've also decided to start applying for second jobs. I need to call work today and see what my hours are going to be when I come back, since I'm not going to be doing Pre K anymore. I need early hours so I can get a 5-11 job doing effing telemarketing or something. Somehow, I'm going to have to balance 2 jobs, a 3 year old, school, an internship, and daily life (meals, laundry, gym etc) without ripping my hair out of my head.


Can I really do this?